21Feb/123
21 y/o, repressing thoughts and feelings, losing control, i want somebody to read this i wrote it 2 weeks ago?
Justin B asked:
i am a man that is familiar with the feeling of death near. and i can feel it now. some thing is lost in a place so far from me as i
have been reveling in my drunken ignorance. i just want to feel real without the expense of the true value of the
reward i have been working towards. and my lawless immoral life is bringing me closer to the ultimate downfall
i have been waiting so long to see the beginning of. perhaps this is it. and i am living in a crazy world where nothing
is safe, i am melting into the music though i cant seem to let go of the thought of all that i want and expect from a person, aah such
extacy ending in passoinate heartbreak, should i let myself get so close to the devil. i am losing all that
i once had, i cant seem to hold my passions inside of myself and am subject to these repressed feelings that few will
ever understand, though i dare to feel absolutely free for just a second, i pay that price with the emptiness later
and all the things that i used to have so close i could actually taste it. also the goal that i shot at seems to be
just about to slip away and i just want to feel something that i cannot relax enough to let myself feel, so paranoid
about the possibility of being betrayed and asking myself why i let this shit go so far uncontrolled, losing my dreams to my immediate pleasures i cannot seem to type
enough to fully express how i feel i can let go and it will all come out if i close my eyes and trust the truth. the
truth is i am too desirous for my own good and the possibility of satisfaction relies on the overall better
chance of me being thwarted. i am so close to something and i have this feeling that its not going to come from her
but from someone closer to me. i am losing all reasons to let myself trust all i want to do is fly away, so damn far
away. i cannot continue to lie to the ones that i love, all excuses to do so are running out and i am hanging
from this tiny string and how deeply i desire to feel like i can love but i am probably too bad to do that. i am
not afraid of death i am only afraid of failure and i have built my life around an idea that is not possible for
a mere man to do alone and right now i feel alone. i want this all to make sense and it is all happening so fast,
dear god how i wish that i could feel unadulterated passion i am going fearless into the dark i know and love
so well... aah, the deep black retreat, cowardice is what it is when a man retreats into darkness, shallow and
evil, the absense of fear is not the same thing as courage and i have no choice but to choose between my own pride
and what future must lie ahead for me, i cannot give this up and very closely is looming the ultimatum i have been
waiting for for so goddamn long, so all i wanna do is feel like i did just a few times, i remember feeling like i
was floating, and it was dark but people could glow, and i knew all their thoughts and we could think and be as one.
i faintly remember the truth of what existed then and how simple it was i just wanted absolutely nothing but what i
had. and relentlessly looking back on the days of my innocence, how precious it was, and how stupid it was to throw
away something beautiful that i had in exchange for something carnal and destructive, i cried tears that no one could
see or hear and i had something no one appreciated, i was complete and i did not realize that i would someday have
all these common pleasures i envied that others had so tastelessly, hurt that little child, make him believe that
he should be sorry for what he is and i lose myself searching for the reason for living, stab and steal away what
beautiful life i had to offer and exploit all the things i loved, calling them worthless, drinking your beer, and
sleeping all day when i needed you. who would love me then? who could i count on then? who gave a fuck anymore what
i became, and still i was called immature when i had grown up so much without your damn help because you never realized
what you did to me and everything i was missing out on as a teenager, and now as far as i have come its all about to
hit the floor. and who do i have to thank but myself? so i am going to have to figure out a way because i cant do it
all alone now and i was born for something better than what i could fuck myself into doing.
How to Sight Read Music
i am a man that is familiar with the feeling of death near. and i can feel it now. some thing is lost in a place so far from me as i
have been reveling in my drunken ignorance. i just want to feel real without the expense of the true value of the
reward i have been working towards. and my lawless immoral life is bringing me closer to the ultimate downfall
i have been waiting so long to see the beginning of. perhaps this is it. and i am living in a crazy world where nothing
is safe, i am melting into the music though i cant seem to let go of the thought of all that i want and expect from a person, aah such
extacy ending in passoinate heartbreak, should i let myself get so close to the devil. i am losing all that
i once had, i cant seem to hold my passions inside of myself and am subject to these repressed feelings that few will
ever understand, though i dare to feel absolutely free for just a second, i pay that price with the emptiness later
and all the things that i used to have so close i could actually taste it. also the goal that i shot at seems to be
just about to slip away and i just want to feel something that i cannot relax enough to let myself feel, so paranoid
about the possibility of being betrayed and asking myself why i let this shit go so far uncontrolled, losing my dreams to my immediate pleasures i cannot seem to type
enough to fully express how i feel i can let go and it will all come out if i close my eyes and trust the truth. the
truth is i am too desirous for my own good and the possibility of satisfaction relies on the overall better
chance of me being thwarted. i am so close to something and i have this feeling that its not going to come from her
but from someone closer to me. i am losing all reasons to let myself trust all i want to do is fly away, so damn far
away. i cannot continue to lie to the ones that i love, all excuses to do so are running out and i am hanging
from this tiny string and how deeply i desire to feel like i can love but i am probably too bad to do that. i am
not afraid of death i am only afraid of failure and i have built my life around an idea that is not possible for
a mere man to do alone and right now i feel alone. i want this all to make sense and it is all happening so fast,
dear god how i wish that i could feel unadulterated passion i am going fearless into the dark i know and love
so well... aah, the deep black retreat, cowardice is what it is when a man retreats into darkness, shallow and
evil, the absense of fear is not the same thing as courage and i have no choice but to choose between my own pride
and what future must lie ahead for me, i cannot give this up and very closely is looming the ultimatum i have been
waiting for for so goddamn long, so all i wanna do is feel like i did just a few times, i remember feeling like i
was floating, and it was dark but people could glow, and i knew all their thoughts and we could think and be as one.
i faintly remember the truth of what existed then and how simple it was i just wanted absolutely nothing but what i
had. and relentlessly looking back on the days of my innocence, how precious it was, and how stupid it was to throw
away something beautiful that i had in exchange for something carnal and destructive, i cried tears that no one could
see or hear and i had something no one appreciated, i was complete and i did not realize that i would someday have
all these common pleasures i envied that others had so tastelessly, hurt that little child, make him believe that
he should be sorry for what he is and i lose myself searching for the reason for living, stab and steal away what
beautiful life i had to offer and exploit all the things i loved, calling them worthless, drinking your beer, and
sleeping all day when i needed you. who would love me then? who could i count on then? who gave a fuck anymore what
i became, and still i was called immature when i had grown up so much without your damn help because you never realized
what you did to me and everything i was missing out on as a teenager, and now as far as i have come its all about to
hit the floor. and who do i have to thank but myself? so i am going to have to figure out a way because i cant do it
all alone now and i was born for something better than what i could fuck myself into doing.
How to Sight Read Music
October 21st, 2009 - 09:51
Learn How to Read Music Notes
it’s really good writing – although im sorry you feel that way you whould go to a doctor know that other people feel like crap too that helps me
good luck
stay lost in the music
October 23rd, 2009 - 19:19
How to Sight Read Music
Please don’t hurt yourself. Call someone- anyone- who will listen– even if it’s a hotline of some sort.
You still have a long life in front of you, and who you are at 21 won’t be who you are forever. You have a lot to offer.
October 26th, 2009 - 11:44
Learning to Read Music
You are in fact a very creative writer. And if your writings are truly what you are experiencing, it would indicate to me that you need to speak to a doctor. My son is 21 years old. He never wrote anything. He did just what he was expected to do and not a drop more (school wise that is). Until his last year of college. He went up to Oswego and in rapid order he dropped out of school, opened a store, got kicked out of the frat house, exhausted his life savings, and attempted to walk all the way home shoeless holding a drawer full of wires and chanting he was going to take over the world. He called people at all hours of the night and he wrote endlessly. Poems, papers and whatever else he could think of while he was in his euphoric state. It was later ascertained that he was bi polar with manic tendencies. He was very tuned into sex and risky businesses that far transcend the average. While you writing is extremely profound and creative, there lies a certain sense of desperation in your words. Nothing to lose to see a doctor and get his opinion. Eh? In any event good luck to you. I hope nothing is wrong and continue with your writing. It is very good.